Friday, December 31, 2010

Letting Go

To say I haven't posted much this year is a huge understatement. The last six months have been pretty spare in particular but I thought it was only appropriate to write one last post for the year and to put it up on the very last day of 2010 (except that Blogger didn't post as scheduled so let's just pretend this went up on 12/31/10).

This year was big for our family. Both my husband and I celebrated milestone birthdays. October marked the end of our first year as a married couple. And in the summer we made the monumental decision to expand our little family. I am apparently one of those fortunate women who gets pregnant in a snap but the pregnancy itself takes its toll... hence the absence of blog posts. I spent the first few months in a fog of perpetual "morning" sickness with little desire to do much of anything. Finally I hit that blessed turning point and regained both my energy and my ability to get through the day without feeling like I was constantly one second away from tossing my cookies. I enjoyed a couple wonderful months and then last week the bottom dropped out just a little. 

Excessive contractions sent me to the hospital in the middle of the night just a few days before Christmas. I'm fine. The baby is fine. But now I'm on bedrest for at least the next month and possibly for the duration of this pregnancy, which leaves me stuck on the couch potentially until the end of February. Fortunately I was able to get home in time for Christmas. I was here to see the excitement on my little girl's face when she recognized that the formerly bare space under the tree now held dozens of wrapped packages. I got to watch as she inspected the empty plate of cookies and milk we had left for Santa the night before. I saw the joy and delight as she opened her presents and helped everyone else open their gifts as well. And I was home to see her spend the day playing with all the toys we had known she would love. 

I try to be thankful that I was here for Christmas and not stuck in a hospital bed. I am doing my best to focus on the fact that I see my husband and daughter each day and get hugs and kisses and snuggles. But I would be lying if I said that I'm full of joy all day. I spend a lot of time feeling frustrated, helpless and exasperated with my situation. I'm here but I'm only able to participate so much. I have a million things that I want to do floating around my head at all times and very little ability to get any of them done. It might sound like a picnic to have everyone waiting on you hand and foot but I thrive on being the caretaker. I'm sure I sound like a whiny little baby but at least I'm being honest. Every day I fight feelings of uselessness and helplessness. Instead of being a major contributor to our home running smoothly, my job is now to do as little as possible in order to keep this baby inside as long as I can. In my heart, I know that's a worthwhile task, but the daily reality is a struggle. 

So here is my resolution for the next two months... focus on the positive. Instead of worrying that I'm a burden to my family, I'm going to be thankful that I'm not in this alone and that I have an amazing husband and supportive family and friends to take care of me while I need it. Instead of thinking about how little I am accomplishing around the house, I'm going to try to take advantage of the ability to rest before the birth of our child which will most definitely demand a lot of energy. Instead of dwelling on how little I can do, I'm going to remember that no one else can do what I'm doing right now and that our baby depends solely on me to be born healthy and strong. All in all, that sounds like a good goal for the next eight weeks.

Happy New Year~
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